Seasons

Conversion

I used to be a pretty God-less person, albeit one raised in and subscribing to the teachings of the Catholic Church from young, but otherwise an atheist in all senses of the word. Catholic ethics and morality did appeal to me indeed, but the whole God concept was one which I had come to abandon over the years.

On retrospect, it really was pride that let me away from God (as is befitting of the gravest of capital sins, since, in a sense, pride turns you into a god). Atheism held no room for error, no room for airy-fairy beliefs and concepts of ethereal beings, no room for vague superstitions. Atheism was for the smart and the enlightened. It was logical and defined: God doesn't exist. I control my own destiny -- I am my own god.

Yet under the surface of my apparent enlightenment lay hidden much pain and despair. If our existence came about by chance, then what exactly was the point of living? Some would say to love, some would say to better our species, but none of these really seemed to answer the question. And inwardly, I envied those who had something to believe in -- they had a reason to live. Sure, I believed in some vaguely Catholic moral code, but believing in a process but not its end point holds no meaning.

Still, by God's grace I had a "Thomas moment"/"Paul conversion experience", and I came face to face with a very real, very tangible God. And I came to realize that no science, philosophy or logic could prove God, yet it the same time neither could it disprove Him either. God could, if He damn well pleased, be a God of science as He could a God of miracles. Newton might have discovered gravity, Darwin evolution and Einstein relativity. God created these.

God definitely isn't a logical God either. To try to use logic to define a being that is over and above logic is like trying to use a ruler to take a person's weight. If anything, religion has, over the years, proven itself to be utterly illogical. Which idiot dies a painful and horrible death for a world who hates him? Who in his right mind would choose to let birds eat his flesh just so they wouldn't die of hunger? Have we stopped for a moment and pondered about just how stupid the whole concept of altruism really is? Or how about courage, discipline or even worse, humility? Why then, are these so-called virtues so highly praised?

David was a wee little punk -- God made him king. Jonah was a coward -- but God used him. The apostles were a bunch of uneducated losers -- but God used them to found the church. Mother Teresa was a poor nun -- but God used her to inspire the world. But isn't that the beauty of miracles, that the loser, the weakling, turns out to be the very trump card? If it were the strong and gifted man chosen, then that wouldn't make it much of a miracle -- it ought to be expected of him. Wouldn't it then, be utterly logical? The League of Nations, founded by world leaders, lasted 20 years. In contrast, an institution founded by a bunch of uneducated losers has lasted 2000 years (and many more to come). I must admit it seems as logical as the sky is blue.

Even if I wasn't going to believe, it wouldn't have been a loss for God in any case. God won't get smaller because one less person believes in Him. Even if the whole world would cease to believe, God would remain God. But it certainly would make me smaller to not believe. Whose loss is it for being narrow-minded but my own? Ethics, morality and the betterment of species are but processes in the pursuit of the meaning of existence. I sure am glad that I'm now certain of the end point -- God.

Existence has never been more meaningful.