Dear God

You loved me even before I noticed you. I knew you existed, but you seemed faraway to me, a distant acquaintance at best, one whom I might talk to at a whim, or if I had a favor to ask. Yet somehow I became drawn to you, slowly at first, and gradually I was enthralled.

Then you told me you loved me, and I knew I did too, but not quite as much. But you showered me with your love and blessings still, and not once did you hold back. And I began to love you more and more. It reached a point where I just wanted to know you better and better. I wanted to be with you everyday; Oh, how my heart longed for you!

And I told you I loved you. I told you I couldn't imagine life without you. Oh, how I couldn't wait to hear your voice, how I wanted to do things for you, and do things with you! How I missed you so whenever I couldn't be with you! And how I wouldn't hesitate to share my thoughts and fears and dreams with you.

But somehow, I began finding it increasingly difficult to see you everyday. My commitments were wearing me out, I was tired and I couldn't build my life around you. "It's not that I don't love you," I would say, "I just find it too tiring to see you everyday."

And you understood. Yet you did not falter, you loved me with a faithful loved, you continued blessing my life, you never once complained. Even when there were days that I didn't talk to you, when I was late to meet you, when I failed to reciprocate your love. But still you never once faulted me.

I know in my head that you love me still. It registers in my mind that you continue to bless me, surprise me, watch out for me, care for me. But I don't comprehend it in my heart. Perhaps I don't dare believe that your love could be so faithful. I don't even know if I love you anymore, and I don't recall when this started happening. The things I told you and the promises I made lie distant and forgotten in the past. What was I thinking then? Did I even know what I was saying?

I've stopped making a real effort. I attribute it to the kind of person I am and the schedule I have but I know it's a lie. And I know you see through it. I mean, you're God, and you made me. Who am I to kid you? But still you love me for who I am, despite all I've done (or failed to do). And I simply can't comprehend why.

I've told you lies,
I've broken your heart.
Still Jesus dies,
So I may start:

Life anew although I've strayed,
Oh God how could your love be this great?

But I really need a little guiding now,
To figure out a way so I'd see how:

To love you,
Just as you so love me.

With a struggling love,

Your unfaithful son.