'cause you had a bad day

God,

I don't understand you.

Why do you make me go through such crap in my life?

Why do I have to bear burdens which so often aren't even mine?

I want a break. Yes, a break now would be very nice.

**

"True happiness isn't in getting what you want. True happiness is in doing what God wants."

Apt. Very apt. I must say that God has always gifted me with a certain clarity of mind. Yet that hardly takes away the frustration; Moreover, it often adds to it -- it is both a blessing and a curse.

I find it ironic, however, that lately I've been becoming that which I once mocked. One year ago:

"If I had the means to produce my very own variety/talent show, I'd call it: "So you think you are fat."

And then if it were to be successful, I'd make another, called: "So you think your life sucks."

Oh how I mock at you, you people in the developed world wallowing in self pity about your emotional/psychological problems while the rest of the world struggles just to put food on the table. And about how school is such a bore and how that teacher or classmate hates you while other children don't even have the means of receiving some form of education. And about how your mum is a bitch and your dad a control freak while other kids don't even have whole families."

But wait.

"Our sufferings are our crosses allowed by God. We must bear them patiently in atonement for our sins." 

I am a bound sinner. I want to be free. I want God. I need God. Growing towards freedom, growing towards God is painful -- but only to the sinner in us. Suffering teaches our soul patience, teaches our soul to rely on God. The sinner dislikes the pain, of course -- he is selfish and he wants only pleasure. But the soul must embrace it, rejoice in it -- one step closer is he to God, one step closer is he to true happiness, to freedom.

Am I going through crap in my life? Maybe. But:

"Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, rejoice"

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."

"But he was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins, upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole, by his stripes we were healed."

Let me remember that real freedom lies in truth, and truth in the Word. As always, "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God". 

What is the helmet of salvation? It is the helmet of hope. Hope that "The Almighty works marvels for me, holy is His name... ... He casts the mighty from their thrones, and raises the lowly." Hope that "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Hope that in the crap I'm going through, God has a greater plan for me to bring me to happiness.

**

God,

I don't understand you, but I trust in you. 

You alone know my heart, you know that I desire for you above all things!

Search me O Lord, make me righteous in your sight.

And I will sing your praises, all the days of my life.

Today, Lord, today I took a break. But I promise you, I will return stronger in your love and grace.